Hello, I apologize in advance for both the length of this and for my general uncertainty. I didn't grow up in the most supportive environment, so I'm kind of new to some of this.
Currently I'm not sure what I identify as, mostly because I feel too unsure about all this to really call myself anything. I was born female, and based on everything I've seen and read I'm currently leaning more towards either being non-binary, or just a weird butch lesbian, which is currently what everyone but my family knows me as. Calling myself a boy just doesn't feel quite right, though, if that makes sense. As I said though I'm pretty unsure about everything right now.
Somewhat recently I've realized I really like being masculine. I wish my body looked more masculine, but I do like that it already isn't super feminine, other than my breasts and the, um, other part. I don't particularly care about having a vagina, like, it doesn't make me uncomfortable or anything, but I very much dislike my breasts, and binding them or even just not being able to see them makes me feel better. I don't know if what I've been experiencing is any kind of dysphoria or not, and I kind of have good days and bad days. On bad days I can hardly stand looking at myself, and even on good days I generally try to avoid doing that, but on good days I won't have a breakdown from it.
I also prefer to be masculine in how I generally act and carry myself, though the way I dress/want to dress may be considered more feminine, or just not very masculine. Right now I like wearing baggy clothes and layers, or at least nothing that clings to me, though I actually like dresses and skirts a bit, and if I was happier with my body I wouldn't be opposed to wearing them. I also like to wear bows and ribbons in my hair from time to time.
When it comes to pronouns, I've never been called anything but she/her, so I don’t know how it feels to be referred to as anything else by another person. She/her pronouns don't really make me feel good, but they don't feel particularly bad either. It just feels like something people call me. At one point, I tried calling myself by some different things. He/him didn't feel quite right, but they/them was kind of nice.
Again, I'm very sorry for the lengthiness! I hope I can get some kind of answer here, though.