I have been thinking about coming out to my family. Though people who have read my previous posts may think that I found out I was trans like a month ago, I have actually been thinking I was trans for 2 years now.
I had originally thought I was genderfluid, then realised I was never female, always male or rarely agender. Then, I thought I was a Demigirl (because I thought since I was born female I had to be part female) and it didn't feel right. I then (for short periods of time) identified as very specific pocket genders trying to find something that felt like me. Then my cousin came out to me as trans (male), transgender felt right to me.
It explained why I was unhappy ever since puberty started, why she/her never fit and stung a bit as well. It explained why I wanted to rip my skin off when I looked at my bare chest. It made sense because I had wanted to play male characters when I was younger and why I had loved more masculine hair.
Now, I want to come out. I am already out to my younger sister and she supports me. I don't feel it is unsafe for me to come out, though I am most worried about my father. What I seem to understand about him is that if I told him, he would accept me partially and think less of me for being his way. My mother, when she talks about trans people (rarely, because it only comes up in really specific topics) it is always in a good way. Like she understands they are people living their life. I feel like I should tell her first.
She had said she expected a boy, and how strong (mentally, I'm physically an average size noodle) I am. And also If I came out as gay, they would 100% be alright with it, but trans, I'm less sure.
I want to come out because I am on a time limit. If I start transitioning when I move out, I'll never pass because my hips would be too wide (all the girls in my family have wider hips :I) and my chest would be too large for surgery and my height being at its tallest. Also, dysphoria has kept on worsening (at first I hated my face, curly hair, chest and hips off and on) but now I see how I look and start crying at how curvy and feminine I look. I am constantly reminded of "YOU ARE A GIRL" and its getting almost unbearable. I can't live like this.
I am trying to drop hints, and everyday I just hope they ask me "are you transgender" one day so I don't have to tell them myself. They had already known I hate "girl" things and for my birthday, all my giftbags were pretty masculine (with pictures of ties, a plain red one, one with a dog wearing glasses) so they know half of the story.
I have 70$ in recent birthday money that I want to spend on a binder so badly, but I am scared my mother will say something bad. I had already tried to tell her I wanted a binder but she said it wasn't worth it/it would be uncomfortable. She doesn't know how important this is to me and I don't know how to tell her without coming out.
Every day I whisper to myself "he" when they say "she" talking about me. I whisper "Sam/Samson" when they call me my birthname. They don't hear it and I only say it to ease the mental burden of "YOU ARE A GIRL" (metaphorically) screamed at me all the time. I hate being girl. I know that I will be happy as a boy.
I had planned to come out at 14, on national coming out day, but I don't think I can bear to have to wait to be myself. To wait to be Sam, who I really am.
Sorry for making you read this essay-like thing, just I want everyone to understand how important this is to me. Coming out to my best friend was scary because I had told her I was genderfluid. She now knows and that makes me feel better, knowing I have someone to talk to, but I need to tell my parents as well.
I need to be a real boy. I need help coming out. I need to go on testosterone, I need top surgery (bottom dysphoria is way less severe, and I am worried about complications) and I need to be me. And if it helps, I am also not out as Asexual Panromantic.
How do I come out?