2nd time questioning because nothing feels right.
I can tell my gender is somewhat fluid. Sometimes it changes daily or even less than that, but then will go for long stretches (months) of just feeling male.
I have top dysphoria (I'm afab) and mild, but still there bottom dysphoria. Things like pronoun dysphoria fluctuate a lot. I have voice dysphoria, but it fluctuates from "I hate my voice" to "I can't bear to live without T to make my voice drop" so I end up fighting myself in my head about whether or not I should pursue HRT. I wish I had a male shaped body so I can wear feminine things.
Every gender has a sort-of feeling, where femininity feels cold and round, masculinity feels warm and soft, and androgyny feels kinda like warm water. Lately masculinity doesn't evoke that warm feeling, and instead like a dull, sharp thing. I miss the days where it felt warm, because I knew what I was (ftm) and I was happier. I seem to always feel more masculine around people, likely because I pass and because I always doubt myself when I'm alone.
I came out to my not-very-supportive-mother, who said I'm faking. Now I think I am faking. I present fully masculine, short haircut and everything. I wish I could be a boy, but I don't always feel fully masculine so I'm just going to detransition.
What gender am I?