Ok uhhh my journey starts in 5th or 6th grade... I figure out I'm a lesbian. Then last year I decided to experiment and change my name...and I identified as so many things I didn't feel any sort of connection with that I came out the other end of the tunnel all confused. 2 days ago I was thinking..."Hmm...maybe I'm genderblank, I feel nothing when it comes to gender...no wait I still like being feminine, but presentation doesn't equal gender...maybe it's just super complex (gendergender, don't ask)?" and then I started identifying as genderblank but then I switched to demigirl and then to demigirlflux and AAAAAAAAAA guess what happened...I was confused again.
But then I kind of realized..."Well, since demigirlflux doesn't hit spot on because it doesn't feel like it's fluctuating between demigirl and genderblank...maybe I'm just demigirl?" And that kind of fits, it feels like a comfy label. But I still feel like I'm faking, which is why I also identify with the label implagender (it's not really a gender, it's a way to describe someone who always experiences self-doubt about their gender).
So maybe I'm just faking? I mean, during my enby phase I was thinking "OMG THIS IS ME!" when I coined the term fenby.
And I don't really know what dysphoria feels like, which is why I can't tell f I have i. Does it feel like a warm ball in your stomach or back, and a lump in your throat? Or am I just overthinking things?
I'm also really warm because I'm in a blanket rn, but this feels different. I only feel this way when I feel dread or nervousness or horror and stuff like that. Idk I'm just so confused.