Hi, I’m Gaige!!! and I think I need a little bit of advice/help. Also if anyone could use xe/xem or ae/aer pronouns when referring to me that would help!! I want to try them out and see how they feel :-) (sorry, this might be long bc I want to describe my feeling as best I can!!!!)
I’ve identified loosely with the agender identity for some years now (circa ~2014-15) since it was the one identity that I felt most aligned with based on what was available/known at that time. However, as more identities have been listed/discovered/whathaveyou, I think I might need some help pinpointing what exactly lines up most with how I feel?? I’ve kinda just sucked it up and identified as agender more passively just so that I could have a label, so it doesn’t fully feel comfortable to me anymore.
I find comfort in the vagueness of agender, but I’m not sure if it’s really what my identity lines up with. I don’t necessarily feel completely genderless but I am most definitely not cis either. I also don’t feel any pull towards any binary gender (boy, girl, demiboy/girl, etc) and I’m also not gender apathetic. I generally feel a mix of being neutral, feminine, and masculine at all times with a pull towards wanting to have a slightly more masculine energy, but I don’t reeeaally feel any stronger alignment with anything. It’s kinda like I feel all genders (read: neutral genders, feminine-aligned genders, and masculine-aligned genders) at once while also feeling no gender (though it doesn’t feel like a particular /lack/ of gender, just no specific gender-feeling or alignment at all) at the same time. That being said, it isn’t really a fluctuation of gender either, it’s kind of just everything and nothing all at the same time.
Of course, with the exception of wanting a more masculine perception/energy, I also don’t want to be perceived AS a male-aligned person or a male in general since I don’t feel wholly masculine, if that makes sense? For example, I’ve been going by they/he so that people will use the they/them pronouns for me mostly, but having that option of he/him gives off that more masculine energy (I have also been entertaining the thought of using neopronouns like xe/xem or ae/aer as well). I am dfab and I do like presenting myself more femininely IRL, but I’m not sure if that’s just because of conditioning/who I am around, but there is still that bit of femininity in me that I don’t want to completely diminish/erase. Though, I also wouldn’t feel uncomfortable physically presenting as more masculine, wearing my binder, etc. I have a pretty androgynous face so I can find comfort in any presentation. HOWEVER, I don’t want someone to see me irl and think/say: “that is a girl” or “that is a boy”. I don’t want to be actually perceived as a binary gender and I don’t want to be perceived as semi-feminine or semi-masculine either. I honestly want to be perceived as wholly androgynous to the point that ppl can’t rlly tell, but still give off that like… 5% masculine air/energy if that makes sense?
At the end of the day, I’m not sure if I feel agender still fits me best since I don’t feel a full lack of gender, and I don’t think genderfluid or pangender (or other similar identities) would fit me either since I don’t feel a fluctuation of genders or that I have multiple different genders. I have tried iding as genderfluid in the past, but it just never felt correct since I don’t feel like my feeling of gender changes. Like, there isn’t a mix of different compartmentalized genders that I feel at different times, but just like… everything+nothing at the same time as one specific gender-feeling (but then it also doesn’t feel like a big conglomerate gender that has multiple layers. It just feels the same way as identifying with just one gender would feel- i.e: identifying as a boy or girl). If anything, the feeling I’m describing is kiiiiiind of similar to seraphgender, just without the divinity or otherworldly-like qualities. I also don’t want to identify with /just/ nonbinary as my gender label because I want to feel that comfort in having that specific label that fits how I feel (which is also why I’m not sure if agender is the correct label anymore). There’s some big gender envy with characters like Link from LOZ and Howl Pendragon from HMC if that helps at all LMFAO. I will also add that I am neurodivergent (ADHD, OCD, dp/dr) so neuro-gender identities are okay to suggest, but I am white so please don’t suggest any culturally or racially exclusive genders!!! I would prefer it if anyone could suggest more known identities, but honestly anything that aligns the most with what I feel is okay regardless of how known it is. am more than willing to expand upon/clarify anything I’ve said if anyone needs me to!!
Apologies for how long this is and any and all help is welcome and appreciated :-)!!!!
Addendum: I’m okay with identifying with multiple identities!! While I would prefer to use one cohesive label just for the sake of ease, I’m more than okay with multiple identities if there isn’t just *one* specific label that encompasses all that I feel!