I have been off this website for a while. I don't even think the name Samson fits me anymore. I know that this sounds like I'm just seeking attention, but I need this right know.
My mother is not supportive, and now I panic whenever she talks to me about any topics that could lead to trans related things (like talking about "the girls", my friends, and anytime its just us in a room). I want someone to talk to about trans stuff where I don't feel trapped, sad, anxious or feeling like I don't deserve it because I'm looking for attention. I had originally come to this website for that, but I felt like I was being too rude, or too out there, so I left, but I still browsed.
I will be moving schools to a school with a school with a uniform, and I know that I'll be stuck wearing fitted shirts and skirts and called she. I wish "girl" clothes weren't fitted to show off curves. I can't even ask for a male uniform because my mom would say no, and don't try to tell me to "educate" her. It won't work.
And she is right. I turned from an ugly girl to an ugly boy. I haven't started any medical transition yet, but I know it won't do anything to an already repulsive base. I hate everything about myself. I want to believe that starting T will fix me, but I know it won't.
Finally, I don't even have a name. Every single trans person knows their name instantly, yet I'm so retarded that I can't. I've gone from Samson to Eli to Jack to Eliott and I am trying Ace now but I still don't think it fits.
I need someone to help. You can tell me to die if you want. I hate everything I am.